Ask a Pilgrim

July 28, 2006 § Leave a comment


ANSWERS and ADVICE from Adam Pilgrim

Dear Pilgrims,
What’s the deal with Hipsters? What makes them cool? How can you tell if a scene is cool or lame?
Sincerely,
Robin Dunlop, University of Aberdeen

ANSWER: On the first day, God* created people who are inherently cool. These people he gaveth gifts, yea, great gifts, and he puteth them in sweet bands. On the second day, God created those who seek to be cool and placethed them in the suburbs. And lo, he gave them rich parents to mooch off of. These children of his he dubbed Hipsters, who are so fucking concernedeth with being cool that they are lame, lead lame lives, and pretend to be interesting when in fact they are lame. “Be fruitful and multiply,” said He, “and when you go to shows, show up right when Wolf Parade’s set starts, but leave before the Constantines come on. And so it shall come to pass that the world will know you are only concerned with being cool, you lame-ass fatties.”
On the third day, with all the leftover shit, he created Yuppies. “Behold,” he said, “This sucks” and openedeth another beer.
*Iggy Pop

Dear Pilgrims,
What bands would you consider a guilty pleasure?
Best,
Sheepish in Seattle

ANSWER: No such thing. I take pride in everything I listen to. If it’s Mclusky, I blare it; if it’s Madonna, I sing the fuck along. If you like Architecture in Helsinki, but deny it in the midst of a conversation about favorite Misfits songs, you’re a jackass. Don’t let other people make fun of the music you like. Let me do that.

Dude,
I dont ‘get’ Deerhoof. Is there something wrong with me, or do they just fuckin suck?
I’m the man,
Beb Gibbard

ANSWER: This question made me too angry to write a printable response. Working off the rage this question caused meant fifteen minutes of pacing and mumbling angrily. I might’ve possibly scared my co-workers. And PS, we’ll never be friends.

Hi Pilgrims,
My friend made fun of my favourite band by calling them ‘Sell Out Boy’. Whats the big deal with selling out?
Sincerely,
Wicked Effing Adolescent

ANSWER: “Selling out” occurs when bands change the way that they sound to sell more records. Listen to Hot Hot Heat’s “Knock Knock Knock” EP and then try listening to “Elevator” (which is, of course, near-impossible. That album is basically an over-produced, fifteen-dollar beer coaster). If a band sacrifices creativity for sales at any point (not necessarily restricted to switching to a major label), they’ve sold out. Which isn’t a problem with Fall Out Boy since, well, they’ve always sucked.

Dear Pilgrims,
What does ‘indie’ mean? Obviously its not just referring to ‘independent music’ any more.
Later,
Wicked Effing Confused

ANSWER: That’s a good question. The mass-market mega-corporations have picked up the “indie” tag as a new way to sell records. Case in point: I recently saw an advert labelling Oasis as “indie.” Needless to say, I felt physically ill. There was a time when indie meant taking a creative, daring, or just I-don’t-give-a-shit approach to music, but these days it’s plastered on any beefcake with a comb-over. When I say the word indie, I think of an awkward, four-eyed teenager sitting in his closet with the door shut playing his older brother’s guitar into a 4-track. Or anything roughly equivalent. I certainly don’t think of British dance-rock, or screamo, or any of that contrived BS that has as much staying power as C & C Music Factory. But hey, the world is what Warner says it is, right?

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